


Why?

by orphan_account



Series: Samifer Love Week 2016 [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hallucifer, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Psychological Torture, Suffering, Suicidal Sam, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 09:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7635457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam asks 'Lucifer' why and pours his heart out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Samifer Love Week 2016 - Prompt: Hallucifer

                                                              

* * *

_Why?_

It’s all I ask myself anymore these days. Why is it your face that tortures me so much? You break me, you try to kill me, but I ask myself why I feel like I deserve it. After all I have left you, didn’t I? I left you to the fires of hell, to the torture you tried to shield me from and I will _never_ be able to forgive myself for that.

I wasn’t even scared at first, only a little. Seeing your face again - it was strange. I expected you to hurt me, which you did, but were you so wrong? I don’t know, really. Maybe I should have killed myself when you told me to. But you changed after that… you weren’t cruel anymore. I had… _hope_. Hope that you’d be yourself again.

For a while things were almost… _good_. You gave your snarky remarks, but you didn’t _hurt_ me anymore. I felt so bad because you even made me _laugh_ at times. But it was never how it was supposed to be, was it? I start to think this is my price for having sympathy with you. It’s what I have to pay for being weak.

I don’t even know if what I remember from the time in the cage is real or not. Did you protect me, really? Or did you inflict all this pain yourself because you never cared for me as you said? I don’t know and it’s killing me. You said I should kill myself and maybe I should. You tell me my madness won and you know what? I think it did. But still… no matter how much you hurt me, how much you torture me, keep me awake and almost kill me… I can’t let go.

Because seeing you again, even like this, is something I never thought would happen. When I’m alone I cry, beg for your forgiveness - and all you do is look at me like that, as if I’m a disgusting little bug and you’ll crush me with your heel the next second. I beg you to forgive me for leaving you, even though I had no chance to stay. I beg you to forgive me for never telling you how I felt. You look pleased when I do - as if you _like_ to see me cry. As if you _live_ through my pain.

I can’t go on much longer, I know it. I just want one last thing before I close my eyes forever. Because you won - I’m broken. But this one thing… I beg you. I want it to be the last thing I see before I go.

Look at me again, like you did before I said yes. Look at me as if I’m the light of your life, as if I brighten your world just by existing. Give me this unique and wonderful feeling when your blue eyes soften and my lips curl into a smile. Make me feel special, make me feel like you would turn the whole world into ashes for me. Please, I don’t ask for anything else…

Look at me like that again.

Look at me again as if you **love** me.


End file.
